embarassing embarrassment

one of the beauties of the work i do is going for conferences. I am at one at the moment. For privacy (and some other reasons), can't tell where...

I remember having big problems for introducing myself and speaking with strangers at conferences when i was younger. But that's also caused by some professors, who treat PhD students at conferences a bit worse than their socks after a long walk. Now the bits of conferences which I prefer is knowing new people. Sometimes it's ok, and you find someone to do some nice smalltalk (where you can use the jokes you have been testing with your students); some other times it gets very lucky, and you find someone with the same interests as yours. That's not only nice, it also gives sort of an excuse to get along with your research ("i'm not the only one wasting my time on this stuff")

I remember the PhD general-tutor in my former job, listing a number of errors to be absolutely avoided when going to conferences:
1) do not walk in groups with your PhD buddies everywhere
2) practise your 5-words statement to introduce yourself, and be captivating!
3) do not tell obscene jokes when approaching a magnus professor
4) avoid having sex with any of the conference attendees
and others

To these wise advices I would add the following:
"never run like hell out from the train to reach the conference in a haste"
"avoid to sweat massively after that"
"for goat's sake, never share the lift with other attendees in those conditions"
"if you do, complain that the lift has a strange smell and that they didn't clean it properly"
"in doing so, do not raise your arms"

if thee hath done that, do not complain if approaching people you will feel like Moses and the splitted waters of the red sea